Okay, just to start, Chris Pratt and Anna Faris aren’t getting back together – but if I would’ve made an earnest post about Puerto Rico’s situation and the lives that are in danger and the people who need your help, YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE CLICKED. So don’t get mad at me for misleading you – get mad at YOURSELF for being the type of person who cares more about a celebrity breakup than HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES THAT ARE AT RISK.
Check out the Google Trends comparison of “Chris Pratt”, “Anna Faris” and “Puerto Rico Maria” – the breakup between Chris Pratt and Anna Faris has trended WAY WAY above the disastrous storm that devastated the small island:
I get it – people are just more interested in a Hollywood marriage than in another major disaster caused by a hurricane. It’s much easier to wrap your head around celebrity relationship woes than try to comprehend the insane levels of suffering and misery being felt by Puerto Rico. So it became clear that the best way to draw attention to Puerto Rico would be to promise that we can get these two celebs back together – and maybe we can! BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU MONSTERS CARE ABOUT.
1. Hurricane Maria left Puerto Rico Without Power – Just Like We All Feel Powerless To Get Anna Faris and Chris Pratt Back Together
Hurricane Maria basically destroyed Puerto Rico’s electrical grid, leaving 80% of the island without power. The majority of the 1.6 million individuals who pay for electricity on the island are without power, with what few generators have been made available being sent to high-priority locations like hospitals (which is good), but leaving no real options for homes and businesses (which is bad). The situation is similar on the nearby US Virgin Islands, St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Croix.
And you know who else is an island? Both Anna Faris and Chris Pratt – alone in the world now that their marriage is over. Perhaps the world coming together to solve the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico and the nearby islands will inspire them to rekindle their love?
2. The Flooding and Destruction Has Also Left Much of Puerto Rico Without Running Water…Just Like The Thirst That We All Feel To Get Anna Faris and Chris Pratt Back Together
About half of all Puerto Ricans on the island have no or limited access to clean, running water – for drinking, bathing, cleaning, etc. And while many supplies are on their way, there have been numerous issues with getting supplies to the people in need – due to lack of drivers, the breakdown of many communication lines, and the general chaos of the situation. Left waiting are hundreds of thousands of people who are doing whatever they can to survive – stories of scrounging for rainwater and eating old crackers simply to survive are not uncommon at the moment.
You know who else might have been thirsty? Anna Faris and/or Chris Pratt – it’s possible a sexual dalliance or infidelity is what ultimately led to their breakup. But since they are private individuals, it is not our place to pry – we just hope they can work their way through their differences and rediscover why they fell in love in the first place. They were America’s sweethearts!
3. Victims of Hurricane Maria Are Becoming Desperate For Fuel and Diesel – Not Unlike How Desperate America Is to See Anna Faris and Chris Pratt Renew Their Love For One Another
Without electricity and water, fuel is key – fuel can get vehicles moving so you can take your family to a safe place or an area with water and food. Fuel can keep a generator running to keep you and your loved ones supplied with heat or light. Fuel can mean the difference between life and death – and there is simply not enough of it on the island of Puerto Rico, leading to six hour long lines waiting to fill small red gas cans. And while the supply line is complicated by lack of resources, issues with infrastructure, legal complications due to shipping restrictions for the island, and the sheer levels of destruction at the ports, thousands are suffering and waiting for help to arrive.
As for Anna Faris and Chris Pratt, they need to “refuel” their “love tanks,” or something. I dunno. The lack of power and water in Puerto Rico is really devastating – toilets won’t flush, cellphone towers won’t function, internet is unavailable, houses and businesses have been entirely destroyed, lives have been lost, families have been torn apart, and this is going to worsen Puerto Rico’s already difficult debt struggles (meaning the future of the island is so much worse, even after some level of recovery happens).
But you can help – here are some reputable charities that are working tirelessly to bring some normalcy back to the lives of so many affected in Puerto Rico and other areas devastated by Hurricane Maria:
…and here’s a list of verified GoFundMe campaigns for people in need post-Hurricane Maria.
Seriously – do whatever you can: give money, donate food or supplies, or even spread some awareness that this is happening. People got a little storm charity’d out by Hurricane Harvey and Irma, and now the victims of Hurricane Maria are receiving far less attention from the media and the world at large.
And who knows? Maybe Anna Faris and Chris Pratt will see your generosity and it will renew their faith in humanity and bring them back together. Anything’s possible*.
*…except this. This definitely won’t happen. Stop giving a shit about relationship problems between famous millionaires who you have never met. People are dying. GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT INSTEAD.
If you want to yell at the author of this, follow me on Twitter and I will have no choice but to listen to you.