The Most Ridiculous FPS Weapons Of All Time

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Ever since Doom introduced the BFG, the arms race in first-person shooters has been out of control. Once designers exhausted the possibilities of your basic pistols, rifles and shotguns they had to delve deep into their imaginations to give players new and different ways to frag foes into explosions of gibs. Some of those new weapons came from real life, while others were the product of imaginations fevered by all-nighters and Jolt Cola.

Stop by the weapon locker and arm yourself with this array of bizarre and goofy FPS weapons, from pint-sized pistols to machine guns that talk back and more. These are our picks for the most ridiculous firearms (and other tools of death and destruction) ever featured in a first-person shooter.

Electrodriver

Electrodriver

The Painkiller games are known for absurd and inventive weapons, and one of the silliest is the Electrodriver. It’s a railgun that uses magnetism to launch projectiles, but instead of normal bullets it shoots ninja throwing stars. And not just any ordinary throwing stars – they explode on contact. Oh, and it also fires bolts of lightning. Oh, and it also also lets you electrify an entire clip of throwing stars and shoot them all at once, because this entire game was designed on the back of a middle schooler’s math homework.

Bane

The Bane

It’s hard to communicate exactly how obnoxious the Bane from Borderlands 2 is in mere text. You look at the image above, it just looks like another gun. But in a game full of diverse and wacky weapons, this one is the most memorable. You see, the Bane has two effects on your character when you wield it. One, it slows your movement speed down to a painful crawl. That’s bad, but worse is the insanely annoying sound effects that it makes when you shoot, reload or change weapons. They’re so obnoxious that even if you turn the game’s volume down, they still play at maximum loudness!

Klobb

Klobb

Typically, having a video game weapon named after you is an honor. But for Ken Lobb, he probably wishes the guys at Rare had passed. The Klobb is far and away GoldenEye‘s most obnoxious weapon, a Czechoslovakian-made machine gun that has a pathetically slow rate of fire, tiny magazine and wildly inaccurate sighting and piddly damage. Allegedly Lobb had a reputation behind the scenes as a guy who talked too much and didn’t get a lot done, so the naming of the weapon was a subtle diss towards him.

Voodoo Doll

Voodoo Doll

1997’s Blood rode the FPS wave to a gorier place, featuring an undead gunslinger on a quest for vengeance against an evil god. Cosmetically, it looks a lot like Doom (as did most FPSes of its era), but it brought some innovation in the world of weapons. Sure, you had your typical shotguns and explosives, but you could also make a flamethrower out of a can of hair spray and, most notably, torment your foes with the power of voodoo. Stick a needle into the voodoo doll and it’ll cause high damage to any enemy in sight – but if there’s nobody nearby, you’ll hurt yourself instead. Don’t mess with dark forces, buddy.

2mm Kolibri

2mm Kolibri

Size isn’t everything, but charging into the fray with this dinky little pistol in Battlefield will make you wish for a few more inches. Based on a real weapon that was made in 1914 by a German watchmaker, the pint-sized pistol blasts out bullets the size of bee stings. Yes, they eject at a flabbergasting speed but the tiny projectile means it doesn’t pack much of a punch. In-game, it’s mostly used as a way to humiliate your enemies due to its pathetically low damage and accuracy. It takes four close-range headshots in a row to down somebody with one, but man is it satisfying.

SBC Cannon

SBC Cannon

Despite its name, Serious Sam was anything but. The first-person shooter series from indie studio Croteam featured wacky enemies like headless screaming suicide bombers with explosives for hands, and protagonist Sam took them out with a wide variety of ordinance. He had access to the typical pistols and submachine guns, but for best results the SBC Cannon couldn’t be beat. This was exactly what it sounds like: a cannon, like you’d find on a pirate ship, that lobbed balls of lead death that knocked over enemies like bowling pins.

Bootspoon

Bootspoon

Chex Quest isn’t your conventional first-person shooter. It was distributed by means of cereal box, for one thing. So it’s only natural that this bizarre promotional Doom conversion would boast some unusual armaments. Your primary projectile weapons against the cereal-craving alien hordes are ray guns called “zorchers,” but when it’s time for melee you have to depend on your trusty spoon, which takes the place of the Doomguy’s default knife. Even better, instead of a chainsaw Chex Quest gives you a spork.

Cow Launcher

Cow Launcher

The world of South Park has been translated into a bevy of different game genres, from RPGs to racers. But the 1998 first-person shooter released on the Nintendo 64 was the very first. Unfortunately, the console’s limited poly count made for a pretty sad game, but it had its moments. The weaponry was one – how many other FPS titles let you throw snowballs at your foes, or even soak them with piss? For our money, the iconic gun of South Park is the Cow Launcher, which blasts bovines through the air. If a cow hits a foe, it lands rectum-first and engulfs their head until they suffocate.

Potato

Potato

When you’re training to fight the Nazis, you can’t use live ammunition. So in Call Of Duty 2‘s tutorial, your Red Army soldier is given potatoes to practice his grenade throwing skills. Needless to say, they don’t explode when they hit the ground, but do bounce around convincingly. Amusingly enough, you can take them into actual combat and role-play as a militant vegan using Mother Earth’s armaments against the German horde, and occasionally a well-placed potato shot can actually down an enemy.

Pheromone Shots

Pheromone Shots

Japan isn’t really known for first-person shooter development, and when they do dip a toe into the genre things get… a little weird. Case in point, Gal*Gun, which casts the player as a high school student mistakenly shot with Cupid’s arrows. Now every single girl in school is after his junk and he needs to blast them away with “pheromone shots” to bring them to incapacitating orgasm. It’s more than a little ridiculous, but we’d expect no less.

Teat Gun

Teat Gun

If you go into the Redneck Rampage series expecting classy design and restrained mechanics, I don’t know what to tell you. The late-90s trilogy cast the player as a pair of brothers who battled an alien invasion while regaining health by eating Moon Pies and drinking beer. Most of the weapons were pretty basic, but if you downed a big-titted alien vixen, you could grab her Teat Gun (a brassiere with a pair of machine guns built into the cups) and strap it on to cause carnage with a little gender confusion in the mix.

 

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